Ya know, it’s that time of year again when all the critics, fans, bloggers and basically any schmuck with a MySpace page publishes their Best-Of lists.  While that may be overwhelming enough, it’s also December – when we must bear the cross that are people’s Best Christmas Movie lists too.

Really?  Is it not enough I have to sit through those mind-numbing festive Best Buy ads on the telly every commercial break??

Well, me being a self-appointed Grinch, I have decided to create my own Best-of list. Scary eh?  And, instead of looking in the direction of positive, life-affirming Christmas movies (much in the same way I have now turned away from my television every time those blue-shirted Best Buy gits grab each other’s hands and jump up and down hollering, “we love pink!” in unison), I have decided to poison the well.

See, I have compiled a short list (very short, don’t ya know I got some late Xmas shopping to do, monkey boy?) of three Christmas films for those who are so Christmas-fatigued they secretly want Santa’s reindeer to get caught in the blades of traffic chopper.

And so…with that, I give you my list of the Absolute Worst Films About Santa Claus of All-Time.  Enjoy! And Merry…ah, you know.

Santa With Muscles (1996)

Before he turned to the world of crap reality TV, pro wrestler Hulk Hogan starred in this chunk-blowing bomb of a movie.  A family gagger about a rich health guru who suddenly loses his memory only to end up thinking he’s Santa Claus, it certainly didn’t do much to launch the acting career of Hollywood’s most famous oily-skinned orangutan.  By the way, it also starred a pre-pubescent Mila Kunis.  Not that she’s bragging…

Santa Claus: The Movie (1985)

This Dudley Moore dud casts the late-comic actor as an elf that joins an evil toymaker who wants to eliminate St. Nick.  Sure, it may have cost $50 million dollars to make but this campy crapper wouldn’t even bring in half its budget.   Sure, Santa Claus is giving, but that’s just suicide.

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)

This nugget seems to get airplay every year - for the yuletide cynic I reckon (which explains why I actually like it) but suffice it to say, it is to Christmas films what Plan 9 From Outer Space is to sci-fi.  Bad, but damn, so beautiful.  A story about Claus relying on two snotty-nosed kids to save him after getting kidnapped by extraterrestrials, it caused BBC reviewer Nick Cramp to call it, “quite possibly the worst film ever made.”

...mom, is that you?

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