How to catch a roller derby girl

If you’ve never watched a roller derby match-up, you need to know some things. The action is not staged. Suicide seating along the track is at your own risk, and sitting there means you could catch a derby girl in your lap.

Unfortunately, you have to give her back. But here are some pointers to help you keep her for good.

Ink Up: Like her elbow pads, mouth guard and fishnets, a derby girl’s tattoos are part of her uniform. That means, once disrobed, her love interest should resemble a used colouring book.

Should you be in the market for some permanent markings, there’s no better place to comparison shop than this weekend at the Roundup Centre. The Calgary Tattoo and Arts Festival boasts an international lineup of famous artists, but it also showcases local masters and burgeoning talent. Visit www.calgarytattoos.com for a complete roster.

Hail a Hot Rod: The only way to catch a fast woman is with a fast ride. Lucky for you, Race City hosts Nitro Madness this Saturday and Sunday. The event includes a static display (read: parked) of dragsters downtown on Stephen Avenue Mall tomorrow night. Speed to www.racecity.com for detailing.

Rock Out, Punk: A derby gal likes her music loud and live. So you’ll probably find one or more in the crowd at tonight’s Lagwagon show. She’s the lady with as many bruises as tattoos. The Warehouse doors (rear entrance, 733-10 Ave. SW) open at 7 pm.

Learn The Lingo: Derby dames are misunderstood. Or at least their sport is. Here’s a crash course (pun intended). A game is a bout. A play is a jam. For every jam, two opposing teams send five players each onto the oval track. The showboating jammers score the points while the nasty blockers on the rival team try to stop them with booty blocks, hip checks or whatever they can sneak passed the refs.

Confused? Search “roller derby explained” on YouTube.

Call Out Her Name: A rollergirl adores attention. Upon glimpsing you trackside as you shout her fake moniker, she will begin plotting a not-so-accidental spill into your lap. Consider yourself warned.

Visit www.calgaryrollerderby.com for complete bout times at the Stampede Corral throughout this weekend’s Tattoo Festival.

– Jam up Metro’s inbox by emailing us at slickcity@metronews.ca