johninmetro@gmail.com

https://www.facebook.com/johnmazerolle

John Mazerolle, weekly columnist for Metro, is an award-winning writer and performer known for his sharp wit and insightful humour. He has performed standup, sketch, and improv in New Brunswick (his real home) and Toronto (his adopted home) including as a featured performer at the 2009 Canadian Comedy Awards. John’s political commentaries on CBC Radio 1 have been praised for their excellence by the Radio-Television News Directors Association of Canada and the Atlantic Journalism Awards. John is a graduate of Humber College’s Comedy: Writing and Performance program and the Second City Conservatory program.

Online dating for dummies

February 09, 2012

Study released on Internet dating with results that I think will be astonishing to anyone who lives in a cave

Winter, why are you giving me the cold shoulder?

February 02, 2012

Dear Winter: Please come back. I miss you.

Agree to disagree with A HOCKEY HERO

January 26, 2012

As a Boston Bruins fan this might just be the Stanley Cup champagne talking, but it’s possible I’m the only left-leaning person who’s OK with goaltender Tim Thomas showing he also likes to play right wing.

Tories’ noses may be a little out of joint

January 19, 2012

The Liberal Party has gone to pot — and I like it.

Thinking of penning a novel? Read this first

January 12, 2012

Over the years, I’ve grown accustomed to adoring fans complimenting my writing.

Of mice and the man who loves them

January 05, 2012

I think I love the mouse in my apartment.

There is no Hollywood in a new year’s hangover

December 29, 2011

Ah, New Year’s. The celebration where the annual tradition of pledging to better yourself in the coming months gets hijacked on the first day by the annual tradition of drinking your weight in cocktails.

Strike the harp and join the chorus

December 22, 2011

I’m not much for Christmas carols.

Ignoring Kyoto, one less country at a time

December 15, 2011

I, for one, was inspired by the Kyoto Protocol

How to host an office Christmas party

December 08, 2011

As one of Canada’s top 605 columnists, I’m often asked advice on how to throw the perfect office Christmas party.

’Tis the season to shop till you (literally) drop

December 01, 2011

Now that Santa Claus parades have passed, snow has fallen and stores have entered their seventh exciting week of Christmas music, I think it’s safe to talk shopping.

‘15 seconds to curtain’ love affair

November 24, 2011

It’s time to get things started, so let’s discuss: Why does my generation find the Muppets’ return so celebrational?

True test of counterfeit bills is in the scent

November 17, 2011

Welcome to the Bank of Canada’s public-awareness campaign designed to help Canadians learn about the newly unveiled $100 bills and how to spot counterfeit cash.

Change the pitch of your learning curve

November 10, 2011

Take advice from a veteran of education, pointless activities and studying can be achieved.

Jails are a lot like coffee shops — or they should be

November 03, 2011

Attention, readers who value their lives: You are in danger!

Confession: I have a thing for the gop

October 27, 2011

U.S. Republican presidential debates, here I come.

#occupy this column

October 20, 2011

"We write so that all people who feel wronged by the powers-that-be can know that we are your allies. #OccupyWallStreet"

Travelling gets this guy flushed

October 13, 2011

It says something about my lack of recent globetrotting that I’m really looking forward to discovering some strange bathrooms.

Let’s talk about birds and bees

October 06, 2011

Listen up, parents. It’s time you had a frank discussion with your children about — well, you know, doin’ it.

Now that’s using your head

September 29, 2011

I don’t know whether it’s good that most of the buzz heading into the new NHL season is that the league is actually punishing players when they attempt to decapitate each other.

Listen, you don’t want to upset this teacher

September 22, 2011

Hi, kids! I’m here to talk to your class about teachers because they’re important people to ... HEY! SHUT UP AND LISTEN!

Bachelorhood, with cherry juice on top

September 15, 2011

I’m relinquishing my bachelorhood status — time to hand in my Green (Mould) Card and move on to the next stage of life, whatever that is. Struggling artiste, perhaps. Or political ideologue.

Parenting, without the chloroform

September 08, 2011

When I was a kid, I could tell back-to-school time was here when we weren’t allowed to eat.

University 101: A course of misdirection

September 01, 2011

Another university year is beginning, so post-secondary students are about to learn important “life lessons” that will stay with them long after they’ve forgotten what Pi is (it’s a number).

A plea to stop a cycle of abuse

August 25, 2011

Now that I’ve been a cyclist for a few months, I know the group of people on Earth I hate most are other cyclists.

How to be a better barfly

August 18, 2011

I have a no-nonsense, well organized office in my apartment that looks like a place where work gets done. It looks that way because nobody uses it. I think about it while I drink beer in my neighbourhood bar.

Advice from The Guy Who Almost Died

August 11, 2011

As The Guy Who Almost Died, I have important lessons to teach you about life and death.

The great family role reversal

August 04, 2011

For their summer vacation my parents have been visiting me in Toronto from Saint John, N.B., and so far I've had a lovely time taking them to restaurants, touring museums, and preparing their eulogies.

Sadly, I now own a cellphone

July 28, 2011

I've become everything I've ever hated. For the first time, I own a cellphone.

Don't panic, but there's a serious shortage of panic this summer

July 21, 2011

I’ve been noticing the calm, level-headed way the media has reported the West Nile virus this summer, and I’d just like to say I’m sorry.