Calling all game widows

The tragic death of Brandon Crisp has raised serious concerns about teens and online gaming. But parents aren’t the only ones struggling. If you’ve heard the phrase, “Five more minutes, hon” one too many times from your beloved, you may have  come to be known as a ‘Game Widow.’ And the consequences can be equally serious.

Game Widow author Wendy Kays tells me about one couple in which the husband was a stay-at-home dad, except his obsessive online gaming habit left little time for parenting. Through the game he met a female avatar (your online character) and married her online, convinced he wasn’t cheating because it was only a game. When his teenage son discovered this, his father told him not to tell mom, showering the boy with gifts and attention to keep him quiet. The son eventually attempted suicide.

With the explosion of MMORPGs (massively multi-player online role-playing games, like Second Life and World of Warcraft), the number of online gamers is growing, ergo, the number of Game Widows. Only about 10 to 20 per cent of those who play these games become obsessed, but considering that World of Warcraft alone has about 10 million players worldwide, based on population statistics, there are probably one million Game Widows for that one game alone. “And that’s low-balling it,” says Kays.

How do you know if your partner has a problem? “It’s hard to put a number on it. In fact, some people like that their partner spends so much time online because it frees them up to do what they want. I say that if you are emotionally involved with a game you’ve never played, you’re a Game Widow,” says Kays.

The biggest problem with these games is something Kays refers to as “the glue,” that is, the aspect of these games that gets men and women players emotionally involved. “You have a unique persona and relationships with other people in a fantasy world you control, that may feel more fulfilling than your real life.”

And having a partner constantly at you to stop often only succeeds in pushing them deeper into their feel-good world. Kays, a former Game Widow herself, suggests instead that you disengage with the person and the activity. “Don’t bring them food or take care of their chores while they play, and stop apologizing or making excuses when they don’t show up for family events or call in sick for work because they’d rather be gaming.”

Then, map out a “game time” and “you time” calendar together. “When we did it, I stopped nagging because I knew my time was on the calendar,” says Kays. “And he realized he wanted to play more than he had estimated, which was an eye opener for him. He realized gaming was running his life. And when he realized that, he went out and got an MBA in the time he’d been spending gaming.”

– Josey Vogels is a sex and relationship columnist and author of five books on the subjects. For more info, visit www.joseyvogels.com.