These ladies were kind enough to give their time, and share some truths about what it's like to date other women. They're of different backgrounds, both used to date men exclusively, and live different lifestyles, in two major Canadian cities. Oh, and they're both single. I asked them the same questions, in separate interviews.

(Names have been changed to respect their anonymity, but the rest of the details exist in reality.)

Bios:

Name – Gina

Age – 27

Status – Newly single

Living situation – I share a house with my sister. I'm upstairs, she's downstairs.

When did you come out – Long ago. I was around 18 years old. I slowly came out to everyone after that.

Name – Beth

Age – 29

Status – Single (dating a few people non-exclusively)

Living situation – Own an apartment condo, my two kids live with me every second week. Cat lives with me full time. ;)

When did you come out - After many false starts throughout my life (most of which were fairly traumatic). I finally “officially” came out when I was 27, simultaneously ending my marriage (to a man, the father of my children).

Questions:

Are you open about your preference with your family members or co-workers? If so, are they supportive?

Family and friends and most people: yes. Work: no. I'll only tell who needs to know. Some close colleagues know, but not random people in my office. The ones that know are supportive, and we can joke about it (in a good way).

I’m out with absolutely everyone, including my kids. My family and friends are extremely supportive and it’s no big deal to them. Some of my co-workers are totally cool about it, some are polite but seem to not be completely comfortable with it.

It can be hard enough for staight people, trying to test out water blindly with strangers, unsure if they’re even available, let alone what gender they’re attracted to. How can you tell if she’s into other chicks? Is there one defining behaviour or tell-tale sign?

Aside from the boy-girls I'm not attracted to? Sometimes certain mannerisms or the way she talks. Usually if a girl knows you like girls, she will tell you she does too.

There are some tell-tale signs — most of which are typical stereotypes — that I especially looked for when I was first coming out, but since not every lesbian actually displays those signs I’ve found that it’s better to just start talking and see if there’s any interest. Eventually, I have to bite the bullet and ask for or offer a phone number, or suggest a date, at which time it becomes pretty clear if she was just a straight chick being friendly or if there’s mutual attraction, it’s a scary but effective technique. It also really helps to find people online, as “female seeking female.”

Now, when you ARE sure she like the ladies, how can you tell if she’s a full-fledged, or just a once-in-a-while lady lover? Does it matter to you?

 I think girls are open about their preferences. I would prefer a complete lesbian for a relationship, but just dating a bisexual is okay, too. I just prefer someone who knows who they are.

It doesn’t matter to me either way, but I like to know just for interest’s sake, just like I enjoy hearing people’s coming out stories. It’s a big part of who someone is, so hearing their viewpoint on it helps to relate to them. Usually during one of the first few dates the conversation comes up and we can get an idea of approximately where each other stands on the spectrum.

Where do you go to meet women?

Nowhere, they come to me :). Or the bar, or I meet them at different places. I mostly just know a lot of the (lesbian) community already.

Online is a good place to start, because then I know that they’re single and looking, I know they’re into my gender, and I can read their profile and have them read mine as a way to “weed out” people I might not be compatible with. A good place to meet women in person would be anywhere that lesbians hang out. Yes, this typically means playing into those stereotypes again: rec sports leagues, vegetarian/vegan restaurants, folk music festivals, cozy tea shops, bookstores, organic markets, etc. I still have the problem of knowing for sure whether she’s into gals or not, but at least the percentages are more in my favor.

Once you meet and establish a rapport, does one establish dominance right away?

Sometimes, but not in the way people think. Usually one is more decisive or in control, but that's more a personality thing, I think.

I tend to be more fluid with this one. I like to take the lead sometimes, and I like my partner to take the lead sometimes. Overall I’d say I am closer to the dominant side than the passive one, but I don’t think I’d mesh well with anyone who was 100% one way or the other.

How do people react when they see you’re on a date? Ever had any blatantly horrified looks, curiousity, or ridicule?

I've had guys hit on me and the girl I was with, at many different times in many different ways.

I’ve had a few disgusted looks when I was out in public holding hands or snuggling up to a significant other, but for the most part I just don’t notice other’s reactions. The only time it really bugs me is if they actually say something to us about it, or when straight men think they’re going to charm their way into a threesome.

Public displays of affection?

Not so much anymore, but I don't mind a little bit here and there. I'm not sure if it's because I'm a lesbian though.

Totally, the same amount as most straight couples would be comfortable with. It’s not like I’d get hot and heavy with someone in public, that’s just rude no matter the gender, but little affectionate displays here and there are totally fine, and in fact I don’t want to date someone who’s uncomfortable with that. And if any bystanders have a problem with it, that’s their issue.

Who calls first the next day?

They are girls, they text the same day!

For me, there’s no expectation that one or the other calls first. I usually text or email to say “thanks for the date, I had a great time” but sometimes the other person gets around to it before I do. Either way, it’s not set in stone that one of us is “supposed” to take that role over the other.

Do you title your lady love? If so, how? Girlfriend? Partner? Significant other?
 
I would say girlfriend if we are girlfriends, but if I'm just seeing them or dating them, I don't call them anything except their name.

It depends how long we’ve been seeing each other, how many dates, and when we decide to be exclusive. Eventually once we’re “a couple” I’d say girlfriend. Once we’re really serious, then I’d say partner, as it denotes a deeper level of commitment than girlfriend.

We’ve all seen lesbians going at it in low-budget skin flicks, haven’t we? Come on guys… haven’t we…? Tell us (without getting too Penthouse Letters) what it’s really like. Is it much different than what we see on TV?

It's SO MUCH different! Think more like the L Word. Adult films are horrible for that - they are made by men, for men, and girls do not act like that. None I know, anyway. It's much more sensual and passionate.

It is SO much different, because it usually involves straight actresses directed by men, for the sole purpose of titillating men. In “real life” lesbian sex, it’s not all about the destination, it’s about the journey. Women have a multitude of ways to arouse and and satisfy each other, ranging from a slow and tender expression of emotions to an urgent and animalistic need for physical connection. There doesn’t tend to be a need for structured progression, but rather a creative exploration that has the freedom to meander. And no, we don’t just “cuddle.”

The public largely holds to the assumption that gays like to get theirs, and how, more than straights. Are lesbians more promiscuous, or less?

Lesbians have something called “the death bed.” They are best friends and get comfortable. Out of gay men, straight couples and lesbians, lesbians have the least amount of sex in relationships. Single lesbians - they will get it if they want it!

I think there are promiscuous people in every segment out there, and those that lean more towards monogamy as well. If you want to look at it in terms of gender roles, I think that gay men probably have higher rates of “sowing wild oats” than average, and lesbians tend to “settle down” more often. But as with any stereotype, there are probably more exceptions to the rule than perfect examples of it.

What’s it like sleeping next to a woman compared to a man?

Much softer, warmer, and for me, much better! One girl will tend to hold the other more, sort of protective. Women usually like to cuddle more.

In a word: heaven. But then again, that’s how most of my straight female friends would describe sleeping next to a man, or my straight male friends would describe sleeping next to a woman. I think that if you’re sleeping next to someone you are attracted to both emotionally and physically it’s sublime, regardless of whether your bits are the same or different.

What is the biggest advantage women have over men, physical or otherwise?

We have our looks and bodies. We can usually get more things than guys, just because we are girls. There are many advantages, but we are smart and know how to use it.

It’s hard to generalize, especially since this question assumes inherent gender attributes, but overall I’d say that women tend to be more in touch with their emotions, and are willing to talk about them. This can be great, as open communication is an important part of relationships, but it can also be the source of some conflict if both partners are thinking “but what did she really mean when she said that?”

What is the biggest disadvantage women have over men, physical or otherwise?

There are still stereotypes out there that men are the stronger sex, so men tend to still have an advantage at many things, professionally or otherwise.

A lack of equality in the world at large is one thing. Both people in the relationship having their monthly cycle and therefore moodiness synching to the same time of each month is another one.

If you had to pick one man to be with, one time, who would it be?

Just one? How about three? Brad Pitt (Fight Club day), Colin Farrel or David Beckham.

There’s a really sweet and quiet guy I used to know who seems almost effeminate, but is quite hetero. As much as I’d rather never be with a man again, if I had to pick one, I’d probably go for someone like him.

Do you think you’ll ever date men again?

Honestly, I wish I was straight and wish I could, but I'm not.

Nope. I tried that for many years, in order to be who I thought everyone wanted me to be, and even when I tried my damnedest to make that my life and who I was, it was beyond my control. Now that I’m able to be myself and date people I’m attracted to and passionate about in every way, I couldn’t possibly go back to living that lie again.

If you could pick one woman to be with, who would it be?

That's hard. In real life, I have a certain someone in mind. Not real life, Angelina Jolie. Even straight girls want her.

Well right now I’d probably answer with the woman that I’ve had a few great dates with recently. Lame answer? Either Keira Knightly or Katherine Moennig. Ooh, or both!

Are you looking for a serious, life-long relationship with another woman? Is that your goal, to live happily ever after?

Eventually, but not anytime soon. I don't have strong feelings for many, and my heart belongs to someone who I can't be with. Maybe in the future.

Right now I’m looking to just meet interesting women and go on fun dates, figure out what I want in a relationship and who I’m compatible with. The long term goal is “happily ever after”, but I need to get out there more, first.

Do you think the world is becoming increasingly tolerant toward lesbian relationships?

Yes, in many ways, since it's mainstream now. But I think a lot of girls take it more lightly now, and get  with other girls because it's trendy or fun.

I think the world is much more tolerant than it used to be, but still nowhere near tolerant enough. The fact that gay relationships are seen as somehow different from straight ones proves that, but at least people are more willing now to ask questions and learn just how much commonality there is.

Do you give a crap?

Not really. I've never had many problems with it.

Depends on the day you ask me and what mood I’m in. On the one hand, no. I don’t give a crap if you’ve got a problem with who I am and the relationships I’m involved in. On the other hand, of course I want to see acceptance continue to increase, and help work towards equality.

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