metronews.ca
Loading....
Loading...
Local
Loading...
|
Canada
Loading...
|
World
Loading...
|
Business
Loading...
|
Sports
|
Entertainment
|
Movies
Loading...
|
Columns
Loading...
|
Blogs
Loading...
|
Life
|
Games
|
x
HomeLocal

Colbert declares Langley ‘peanut punter’ No. 1 threat

KRISTEN THOMPSON
METRO VANCOUVER
November 20, 2009 5:49 a.m.
       Text size          
Late-night talk show comic Stephen Colbert has found a new gripe in the Lower Mainland — the Langley nut-kicker.

Last month, police warned the public after a Langley man was kicked in the groin by a female stranger with such force it caused one of his testicles to rupture. The testicle had to be removed and was replaced with a prosthesis.

On the Threat Down segment of Wednesday’s Colbert Report, Colbert announced the woman — who has never been caught and is thought to have assaulted three other men — as his No. 1 threat to America.

“She has ... walked up to a total stranger and punted the living nad-lights out of him,” Colbert said.

“Clearly this woman’s ultimate target is me because, come next February, I could easily be in Canada with our speedskating team and this at-large peanut punter is training for the kicking of a lifetime.”

Lower Mainland issues have been a hot topic on The Colbert Report of late. Recently, he slammed “maple syrup-sucking iceholes” for not giving American speedskaters their fair share of icetime at the Richmond Oval.

More about Vancouver Olympics
Don't be greedy, share this article:                                       

User Comments & Ratings Comment as guest
more local stories

Random tests show marijuana drug of choice in Canadian military ranks

OTTAWA - Marijuana is the illegal drug of choice in the Canadian Forces, according to the first random tests of the entire military.

Ontario to unveil new Taser guidelines

TORONTO - Ontario is poised to revamp its guidelines on the use of stun guns by police, The Canadian Press has learned.

Man found with stolen goods after hailing cruiser with middle finger

KENORA, Ont. - An Edmonton man who used his middle finger to flag down a cruiser in northern Ontario has been charged with stolen property offences.

Alberta to fight oilsands 'propaganda'

CALGARY - The Alberta government will be rolling out initiatives over the next few weeks to combat "propaganda campaigns" against the oilsands, the province's energy minister told a business audience Wednesday.

Metro Canada grows to 1.3 million daily readers

While most people are drinking beer and wearing green to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day, Metro Canada is celebrating for a different reason. Metro Canada’s readership has continued to grow, making it the most read national daily newspaper in Canada, according to the Newspaper Audience Databank.

editor's picks

Blood-hurling Thai protesters vow to stay in capital indefinitely

BANGKOK, Thailand - Leaders of Thailand's anti-government protesters, who have hurled their own blood at the offices and home of the prime minister, said Wednesday they will remain camped out in capital indefinitely, though in smaller numbers.

Mock reality TV electrocutions probe power of TV

PARIS - A state-run TV channel is stirring controversy with a documentary about a fake game show in which credulous participants obey orders to deliver increasingly powerful electric shocks to a man, who is really an actor, until he appears to die.

Brazilian president places wreath at Arafat's tomb, risking Israeli ire

Brazil's president placed a wreath on the tomb of the late Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat on Wednesday and sharply criticized Israeli policies, leading Israeli officials to suggested he was not being evenhanded.

Desperation amid abortion crackdown in former 'Abortion Republic'

SEOUL, South Korea - Having a third child wasn't in Mrs. Kim's plans. She and her husband are already struggling to get by.

Saskatchewan NDP calls for release of Tommy Douglas security files

REGINA - The Saskatchewan NDP wants the federal government to fully disclose decades-old intelligence gathered on socialist icon and former premier Tommy Douglas.


F E A T U R E D   S P O N S O R S

READ THE PRINT
EDITION ONLINE:
LOCAL GUIDES