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        <title><![CDATA[Love Bytes: Up to Date]]></title>
        <link><![CDATA[http://www.metronews.ca/blog/160470]]></link>
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                      <title><![CDATA[setting the tone.]]></title>
                      <description><![CDATA[Getting stuck in a meet-up rut and connecting with potential, quality partners can prove impossible – especially if your haunts are rife with Top 40 music, overloaded makeup, and insecurity. California-based responsible hospitality expert Jim Peters suggests spots that are female-friendly can become a catalyst for overflowing address books. While male-centred meat markets offer dark, open spaces, booming bass and cheap drink specials, women are less likely to show up seeking more than a one-night stand, he says, especially if they feel like lambs to the slaughter. If a lounge or pub offers a comfortable, casual environment with a health-conscious menu and drink list that’s matured beyond draught beer, women are more likely to head out with gal pals for a night on the town. Where, and how to meet people: Going out with a group? Don’t surround yourself with a harem of opposite-sex friends. If you make sure the ratios are weighed in favour of your sex, potential partners are less likely to think you’re already out on a date. Heading out solo? Experts suggest parking in a high-traffic area of a pub, park, or coffee shop. Become approachable without hiding behind a book or laptop. Get outside your social circle. While there’s something to be said for staying comfortable among a group of close friends and already-acquired acquaintances, people are more likely to approach you, and you them, if you’re a new face in an established scene. Pickings become slim after fishing in your own pond awhile. Pick spots based on major interests, or something you’re curious about. Classes, seminars, hobby groups, art shows, live performances and sporting events are full of people who share, or are developing a similar interest, and create an excuse for conversation. If you’re new to whatever it might be, you can always find someone who can answer questions, and strike up an easy conversation. People are especially passionate about good music and team sports – use the vibe and flowing serotonin to your advantage. Above and beyond the setting, just go for it. A smile, eye contact and a simple introduction aren’t tricks, they’re things everyone knows how to do. Rising above insecurities can be empowering. Rejection is possible, and odds are, inevitable. Though, if you throw enough mud at a wall, some will eventually stick.]]></description>
                      
                      <link>http://www.metronews.ca/vancouver/blog/post/230610</link>
                      <author><![CDATA[]]></author>
                      <category><![CDATA[/Blog]]></category>
                      <keywords><![CDATA[]]></keywords>
                      <pubDate>Mon, 18 May 2009 21:22:39 -0400</pubDate>
                      <author>Victoria Handysides</author>
                      <guid isPermaLink="true">http://www.metronews.ca/vancouver/blog/post/230610</guid>
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                      <title><![CDATA[always a bridesmaid.]]></title>
                      <description><![CDATA[Actually, that’s not true. I’ve never been a bridesmaid – a side effect of having predominantly male friends. Recently discussing his eventual wedding to his lady love, my good friend Ryan decided he wanted me to stand up for him at his wedding, unsure (truly) if I’d have to wear a tux. Cute, and I can’t say I mind. I’ve been behind the scenes and behind a camera at enough weddings to know that women that get suckered into being bridesmaids have to deal with, and can create, a ton of unnecessary drama. Beware the stem cell sucking, estrogen-propelled hydra she-creatures that are spawned by wedding preparations – for the love of God. However, having made it to my mid-twenties without being tricked into standing up for a bride, karma is finally rearing its omnipresent head, and striking back with a vengeance. My beautiful sister will be married in less than two weeks, and has asked me to be her maid of honour. Eep. Thankfully, a more hassle-free family, I could not have. About a dozen of us are taking off to Vegas, all details taken care of by a company that creates wedding packages. Brilliant. Save a few shopping trips, a delay in beginning my impending sleeve tattoo, and the most minimal relative-related headaches, the entire process has been Kool and the Gang. Someone asked me the other day if it bothered me that I wasn’t getting married, too. I looked back, puzzled, it never having occurred to me to be bothered. Bothered? What for? I’m not against marriage, far from. However, it’s never been a measure of how I gauge my success, or the success of anyone else. This mentality is a relatively new phenomenon in a generation of North Americans growing increasingly self-sufficient. Even as recent as the 1970s, pairing off young was the norm. Our parents were raised by a generation of parents who paired off even younger. It was still common in the 20th century for teenage girls to marry, and bizarre for a girl to stay single past a certain age. Even my mom was married and had two kids by the time she was my age. Modern research by the Center for Law and Social Policy shows that those (especially women) who marry young are less likely to finish their education, retain less independence, gather limited life experience, and are more likely to crash and burn with divorce within a decade. So, no, not only am I not bothered, I’m thrilled about singledom. Love is wonderful, but there’s a certain dignity in going stag. Ten cool things about being single: -&nbsp;&nbsp; &nbsp;Pseudo-dates with friends. It’s easy to absorb the pheromones and charms of the opposite sex without awkward hand-holding or teeth-pulling ‘let’s get to know each other’ convo. -&nbsp;&nbsp; &nbsp;Not having to shave your legs or wear something other than a t-shirt and sweats to bed. Not a pretty picture, but too bad. Women don’t put themselves through esthetic torture patterns because WE think it’s necessary. Same goes for cleaning. If I don’t want to clean my apartment for two weeks, it’s largely okay. -&nbsp;&nbsp; &nbsp;Picking up, flirting with, or (gasp) sleeping with whoever you want, guilt-free. -&nbsp;&nbsp; &nbsp;Not having to cross-reference your schedule before making after work/weekend plans. No “I have to see what WE’RE up to,” prefaces. -&nbsp;&nbsp; &nbsp;Getting the whole bed. -&nbsp;&nbsp; &nbsp;Not having to share a bathroom or wait to have a shower. -&nbsp;&nbsp; &nbsp;Watching whatever you want on TV. -&nbsp;&nbsp; &nbsp;No obligatory visits with partner’s friends partners, or your in-laws. -&nbsp;&nbsp; &nbsp;No need to explain mood swings, or what you REALLY meant by that comment. -&nbsp;&nbsp; &nbsp;Checking out strangers for as long as you want without having to hide it.]]></description>
                      
                      <link>http://www.metronews.ca/vancouver/blog/post/218806</link>
                      <author><![CDATA[]]></author>
                      <category><![CDATA[/Blog]]></category>
                      <keywords><![CDATA[]]></keywords>
                      <pubDate>Sat, 25 Apr 2009 02:58:57 -0400</pubDate>
                      <author>Victoria Handysides</author>
                      <guid isPermaLink="true">http://www.metronews.ca/vancouver/blog/post/218806</guid>
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                      <title><![CDATA[girl on girl on girl.]]></title>
                      <description><![CDATA[These ladies were kind enough to give their time, and share some truths about what it's like to date other women. They're of different backgrounds, both used to date men exclusively, and live different lifestyles, in two major Canadian cities. Oh, and they're both single. I asked them the same questions, in separate interviews. (Names have been changed to respect their anonymity, but the rest of the details exist in reality.) Bios: Name – Gina Age – 27 Status – Newly single Living situation – I share a house with my sister. I'm upstairs, she's downstairs. When did you come out – Long ago. I was around 18 years old. I slowly came out to everyone after that. Name – Beth Age – 29 Status – Single (dating a few people non-exclusively) Living situation – Own an apartment condo, my two kids live with me every second week. Cat lives with me full time. ;) When did you come out - After many false starts throughout my life (most of which were fairly traumatic). I finally “officially” came out when I was 27, simultaneously ending my marriage (to a man, the father of my children). Questions: Are you open about your preference with your family members or co-workers? If so, are they supportive? Family and friends and most people: yes. Work: no. I'll only tell who needs to know. Some close colleagues know, but not random people in my office. The ones that know are supportive, and we can joke about it (in a good way). I’m out with absolutely everyone, including my kids. My family and friends are extremely supportive and it’s no big deal to them. Some of my co-workers are totally cool about it, some are polite but seem to not be completely comfortable with it. It can be hard enough for staight people, trying to test out water blindly with strangers, unsure if they’re even available, let alone what gender they’re attracted to. How can you tell if she’s into other chicks? Is there one defining behaviour or tell-tale sign? Aside from the boy-girls I'm not attracted to? Sometimes certain mannerisms or the way she talks. Usually if a girl knows you like girls, she will tell you she does too. There are some tell-tale signs — most of which are typical stereotypes — that I especially looked for when I was first coming out, but since not every lesbian actually displays those signs I’ve found that it’s better to just start talking and see if there’s any interest. Eventually, I have to bite the bullet and ask for or offer a phone number, or suggest a date, at which time it becomes pretty clear if she was just a straight chick being friendly or if there’s mutual attraction, it’s a scary but effective technique. It also really helps to find people online, as “female seeking female.” Now, when you ARE sure she like the ladies, how can you tell if she’s a full-fledged, or just a once-in-a-while lady lover? Does it matter to you? &nbsp;I think girls are open about their preferences. I would prefer a complete lesbian for a relationship, but just dating a bisexual is okay, too. I just prefer someone who knows who they are. It doesn’t matter to me either way, but I like to know just for interest’s sake, just like I enjoy hearing people’s coming out stories. It’s a big part of who someone is, so hearing their viewpoint on it helps to relate to them. Usually during one of the first few dates the conversation comes up and we can get an idea of approximately where each other stands on the spectrum. Where do you go to meet women? Nowhere, they come to me :). Or the bar, or I meet them at different places. I mostly just know a lot of the (lesbian) community already. Online is a good place to start, because then I know that they’re single and looking, I know they’re into my gender, and I can read their profile and have them read mine as a way to “weed out” people I might not be compatible with. A good place to meet women in person would be anywhere that lesbians hang out. Yes, this typically means playing into those stereotypes again: rec sports leagues, vegetarian/vegan restaurants, folk music festivals, cozy tea shops, bookstores, organic markets, etc. I still have the problem of knowing for sure whether she’s into gals or not, but at least the percentages are more in my favor. Once you meet and establish a rapport, does one establish dominance right away? Sometimes, but not in the way people think. Usually one is more decisive or in control, but that's more a personality thing, I think. I tend to be more fluid with this one. I like to take the lead sometimes, and I like my partner to take the lead sometimes. Overall I’d say I am closer to the dominant side than the passive one, but I don’t think I’d mesh well with anyone who was 100% one way or the other. How do people react when they see you’re on a date? Ever had any blatantly horrified looks, curiousity, or ridicule? I've had guys hit on me and the girl I was with, at many different times in many different ways. I’ve had a few disgusted looks when I was out in public holding hands or snuggling up to a significant other, but for the most part I just don’t notice other’s reactions. The only time it really bugs me is if they actually say something to us about it, or when straight men think they’re going to charm their way into a threesome. Public displays of affection? Not so much anymore, but I don't mind a little bit here and there. I'm not sure if it's because I'm a lesbian though. Totally, the same amount as most straight couples would be comfortable with. It’s not like I’d get hot and heavy with someone in public, that’s just rude no matter the gender, but little affectionate displays here and there are totally fine, and in fact I don’t want to date someone who’s uncomfortable with that. And if any bystanders have a problem with it, that’s their issue. Who calls first the next day? They are girls, they text the same day! For me, there’s no expectation that one or the other calls first. I usually text or email to say “thanks for the date, I had a great time” but sometimes the other person gets around to it before I do. Either way, it’s not set in stone that one of us is “supposed” to take that role over the other. Do you title your lady love? If so, how? Girlfriend? Partner? Significant other? &nbsp; I would say girlfriend if we are girlfriends, but if I'm just seeing them or dating them, I don't call them anything except their name. It depends how long we’ve been seeing each other, how many dates, and when we decide to be exclusive. Eventually once we’re “a couple” I’d say girlfriend. Once we’re really serious, then I’d say partner, as it denotes a deeper level of commitment than girlfriend. We’ve all seen lesbians going at it in low-budget skin flicks, haven’t we? Come on guys… haven’t we…? Tell us (without getting too Penthouse Letters) what it’s really like. Is it much different than what we see on TV? It's SO MUCH different! Think more like the L Word. Adult films are horrible for that - they are made by men, for men, and girls do not act like that. None I know, anyway. It's much more sensual and passionate. It is SO much different, because it usually involves straight actresses directed by men, for the sole purpose of titillating men. In “real life” lesbian sex, it’s not all about the destination, it’s about the journey. Women have a multitude of ways to arouse and and satisfy each other, ranging from a slow and tender expression of emotions to an urgent and animalistic need for physical connection. There doesn’t tend to be a need for structured progression, but rather a creative exploration that has the freedom to meander. And no, we don’t just “cuddle.” The public largely holds to the assumption that gays like to get theirs, and how, more than straights. Are lesbians more promiscuous, or less? Lesbians have something called “the death bed.” They are best friends and get comfortable. Out of gay men, straight couples and lesbians, lesbians have the least amount of sex in relationships. Single lesbians - they will get it if they want it! I think there are promiscuous people in every segment out there, and those that lean more towards monogamy as well. If you want to look at it in terms of gender roles, I think that gay men probably have higher rates of “sowing wild oats” than average, and lesbians tend to “settle down” more often. But as with any stereotype, there are probably more exceptions to the rule than perfect examples of it. What’s it like sleeping next to a woman compared to a man? Much softer, warmer, and for me, much better! One girl will tend to hold the other more, sort of protective. Women usually like to cuddle more. In a word: heaven. But then again, that’s how most of my straight female friends would describe sleeping next to a man, or my straight male friends would describe sleeping next to a woman. I think that if you’re sleeping next to someone you are attracted to both emotionally and physically it’s sublime, regardless of whether your bits are the same or different. What is the biggest advantage women have over men, physical or otherwise? We have our looks and bodies. We can usually get more things than guys, just because we are girls. There are many advantages, but we are smart and know how to use it. It’s hard to generalize, especially since this question assumes inherent gender attributes, but overall I’d say that women tend to be more in touch with their emotions, and are willing to talk about them. This can be great, as open communication is an important part of relationships, but it can also be the source of some conflict if both partners are thinking “but what did she really mean when she said that?” What is the biggest disadvantage women have over men, physical or otherwise? There are still stereotypes out there that men are the stronger sex, so men tend to still have an advantage at many things, professionally or otherwise. A lack of equality in the world at large is one thing. Both people in the relationship having their monthly cycle and therefore moodiness synching to the same time of each month is another one. If you had to pick one man to be with, one time, who would it be? Just one? How about three? Brad Pitt (Fight Club day), Colin Farrel or David Beckham. There’s a really sweet and quiet guy I used to know who seems almost effeminate, but is quite hetero. As much as I’d rather never be with a man again, if I had to pick one, I’d probably go for someone like him. Do you think you’ll ever date men again? Honestly, I wish I was straight and wish I could, but I'm not. Nope. I tried that for many years, in order to be who I thought everyone wanted me to be, and even when I tried my damnedest to make that my life and who I was, it was beyond my control. Now that I’m able to be myself and date people I’m attracted to and passionate about in every way, I couldn’t possibly go back to living that lie again. If you could pick one woman to be with, who would it be? That's hard. In real life, I have a certain someone in mind. Not real life, Angelina Jolie. Even straight girls want her. Well right now I’d probably answer with the woman that I’ve had a few great dates with recently. Lame answer? Either Keira Knightly or Katherine Moennig. Ooh, or both! Are you looking for a serious, life-long relationship with another woman? Is that your goal, to live happily ever after? Eventually, but not anytime soon. I don't have strong feelings for many, and my heart belongs to someone who I can't be with. Maybe in the future. Right now I’m looking to just meet interesting women and go on fun dates, figure out what I want in a relationship and who I’m compatible with. The long term goal is “happily ever after”, but I need to get out there more, first. Do you think the world is becoming increasingly tolerant toward lesbian relationships? Yes, in many ways, since it's mainstream now. But I think a lot of girls take it more lightly now, and get&nbsp; with other girls because it's trendy or fun. I think the world is much more tolerant than it used to be, but still nowhere near tolerant enough. The fact that gay relationships are seen as somehow different from straight ones proves that, but at least people are more willing now to ask questions and learn just how much commonality there is. Do you give a crap? Not really. I've never had many problems with it. Depends on the day you ask me and what mood I’m in. On the one hand, no. I don’t give a crap if you’ve got a problem with who I am and the relationships I’m involved in. On the other hand, of course I want to see acceptance continue to increase, and help work towards equality.]]></description>
                      
                      <link>http://www.metronews.ca/vancouver/blog/post/202414</link>
                      <author><![CDATA[]]></author>
                      <category><![CDATA[/Blog]]></category>
                      <keywords><![CDATA[lesbian, gay, dating, gay relationships]]></keywords>
                      <pubDate>Tue, 24 Mar 2009 23:53:03 -0400</pubDate>
                      <author>Victoria Handysides</author>
                      <guid isPermaLink="true">http://www.metronews.ca/vancouver/blog/post/202414</guid>
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                      <title><![CDATA[free love.]]></title>
                      <description><![CDATA[Looking for love, but on a budget? Here are a few free dating websites, some for Canadians only: Plenty of Fish ( www.plentyoffish.com ) This site has hundreds, of thousands of fish, in a massive, comprehensive pond. A decent dating/social networking combo, with forums, profile ratings, and tips. OkCupid ( www.okcupid.com ) A bit smaller, but gets down and dirty with users. Based around in-depth personality tests, this service displays the dark truths about its users, so the most discriminating can find the perfect match, down to the fine, nitpicky details. HeavenDates ( www.heavendates.com ) Launching on March 27, organizers are offering two free months of service for those that pre-sign – with no obligation or charges after the trial period. They’re calling it “the next movement of online dating” that gets people out from behind the computer screen, and out to real life (gasp!) social events. Date a Canadian ( www.dateacanadian.ca ) A smaller site, but allows users to search in proximity to their postal code. Good for singles that don’t live in urban centres. Person.com ( www.person.com ) Free webcam-based dating and chat. Less focused on compatibility, more on communication. User discretion advised, cams aren’t monitored by admins, and can offer unwanted crotch shots. &nbsp; In my next post, I’ll be talking with a few women, who, well, love women. We’ll review a few dating sites, and how the gay online dating community stacks up, and the similarities and differences from hetero first dates.]]></description>
                      
                      <link>http://www.metronews.ca/vancouver/blog/post/197098</link>
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                      <category><![CDATA[/Blog]]></category>
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                      <pubDate>Sun, 15 Mar 2009 19:42:25 -0400</pubDate>
                      <author>Victoria Handysides</author>
                      <guid isPermaLink="true">http://www.metronews.ca/vancouver/blog/post/197098</guid>
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                      <title><![CDATA[heart on web and hand in wallet.]]></title>
                      <description><![CDATA[Here's a story I wrote for the print version of our paper today: By Victoria Handysides Victoria.handysides@metronews.ca When a recently divorced Edmonton woman met a gorgeous younger man on an Internet dating site, an overwhelming sense of flattery veiled any suspicion that he was capable of breaking her heart and draining her bank account. The shamed victim, who does not want to be identified, joins a list of vulnerable area women conned out of almost $300,000 in the past few months by Nigerian scammers trolling popular dating websites. “They don’t tell you bad stuff – they tell you good stuff, and that’s what everyone wants to hear,” she said yesterday. The man she fell for claimed to be a wealthy American businessman, dealing in antiques in Nigeria. She ended up sending him thousands, after his he claimed his son was in a terrible car accident, underwent three surgeries, and eventually died. She said that while, at first, she refused to give him money, his insistence and promises they’d meet in person, combined with inescapable loneliness was enough to mask any possible foreshadowing. “It feels like an addiction after a while,” she said. “You begin to love that person and believe them, no matter what they say. You just keep doing it, and it’s very hard to stop.” Though police have received a number of complaints about the “highly sophisticated” scam, there’s little hope of catching the crooks or recovering any cash. “They know how to cover their tracks,” said EPS economic crimes Det. Mark Johnson, who added though it’s certain her money was collected in Nigeria, it’s impossible to tell by who. Though horrible spelling in emails and a strong accent on the phone can be a calling card of a brewing Nigerian scam, the victim who spoke out yesterday said her online love interest had neither. The scam is one of many born in the central African country, from which Canadians are duped out of millions each year. Officials are hoping more victims will come forward. “How could you do this to me?” she said through tears. “They take your life, basically.&quot; &nbsp;]]></description>
                      
                      <link>http://www.metronews.ca/vancouver/blog/post/183528</link>
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                      <category><![CDATA[/Blog]]></category>
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                      <pubDate>Tue, 17 Feb 2009 18:48:05 -0400</pubDate>
                      <author>Victoria Handysides</author>
                      <guid isPermaLink="true">http://www.metronews.ca/vancouver/blog/post/183528</guid>
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                      <title><![CDATA[vd: the gift that keeps on giving. ]]></title>
                      <description><![CDATA[Happy commercialized &quot;holiday!&quot; If you hadn't guessed it by now, this post will have nothing to do with Valentine's Day gift/date/whatever ideas. I HATE the very concept of this alleged holiday, and here's why: First off, let me say that I'm not a feminist, and not without someone to share this day with - my bitterness runs deeper than that. &nbsp;I whole heart edly reject the idea of professing my love, or expecting an admission or outpour of affection based on a man-made, Hallmark holiday. It may have all started in Grade 3, when my year-long crush, Stuart Duggan, didn't give me a Valentine's Day card. For days before, I thought about how I was going to subtly tell him we were soulmates, without giving too much away. On his pre-printed Loony Tunes card, I covertly underlined the word &quot;you&quot; in &quot; Will you be mine? &quot; Diabolical genius. Even though every kid was supposed to get every other kid a card, I counted obsessively, over and over, to find that he skipped mine. Little heart=crushed. Stuart, if you're reading this, screw you! Little known fact about me - I'm now like this with all holidays, but ESPECIALLY with Valentine's Day. My angst-ridden, defy the system, &quot;you can't tell me what the f%$# to do,&quot; rebellious inner-adolescent hates the idea of celebrating based on a calendar obligation. The adult in me politetly woo-hoos and chugs a festive drink on holidays. On my birthday, this year, I was in bed by 9 p.m., and switched my Blackberry to silent. If I'm going to tell someone I love them, or want to do something special, I'm going to do it because I want to. If someone is going to do something special for me, I would rather it be because they really want to. I mean, if I'm expressed affection or appreciation on Valentine's Day, great. I just don't welcome the thought of them being forced. I'd rather nothing at all than I forced &quot;I love/appreciate/tolerate you. Here's a pink/red stuffed animal I spent $39.99 + tax on.&quot; Bitter? Possibly. I've seen enough expectant, and extremely disappointed wives over the years, whose husbands creep through the door with a box of Glosettes and wilted flower from a bucket on the counter at a gas station to know better. Removing the expectation makes gratitude that much deeper when I give freely for no reason, or get for no reason. If my ideas on expectation change, I'm rarely disappointed. Never, do I ever want to begin a conversation with &quot;He forgot Valentine's Day... Can you believe it? Well, I know who's not getting any tonight, that's for DAMN sure.&quot; Ugh. I love, love, LOVE love , and have a life full of it - not only on Feb. 14. For couples that half share the same sentiment, compromise. Sure, go on a date - but to this: My Bloody Valentine: 3D! Why this kick-ass, 3D movie premiered before today, I'll never know. It has everything: a love story for the romantics, wonderful violence for the anti, and 3D awesomeness for EVERYONE.:) Seriously though - after today, give to each other, love, always, and for no friggen reason.]]></description>
                      
                      <link>http://www.metronews.ca/vancouver/blog/post/182003</link>
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                      <category><![CDATA[/Blog]]></category>
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                      <pubDate>Sat, 14 Feb 2009 14:19:23 -0400</pubDate>
                      <author>Victoria Handysides</author>
                      <guid isPermaLink="true">http://www.metronews.ca/vancouver/blog/post/182003</guid>
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