Don’t blame Canada for Tim Hortons’ Buffalo lattes: Menon
By bringing this level of gross to America, what Tim Hortons is ultimately doing is imperiling a relationship that is already on tenterhooks.
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Live and let live, that’s my motto.
At least, that was my motto until I heard about the new Buffalo Latte, which was created between the third and seventh circles of hell. Combining the balm of a hot beverage and the zing of chicken wings, the Buffalo Latte starts out deceptively fine.
It is made from “freshly brewed espresso, steamed milk, mocha.” Fine. But then it is sadistically topped with “a dusting of zesty Buffalo seasoning” — not fine — creating an enchanting elixir for anyone who wants their hit of caffeine to be followed by sweaty bouts of projectile vomiting.
Now my motto is, “Tim Hortons has gone insane.”
Before we continue, let me be clear: I love this country. I do. Canada is safe, clean, reasonably organized and blessed with an inclusive spirit. Canada wants to do right by the world. Even when it’s cold, Canada feels warm.
There is no other place I’d rather live and raise children.
But at the risk of deportation, the one thing I will never understand about Canada is the godforsaken cult of Timmies.
I realize taste is subjective. So what are you, my beloved compatriots and fellow java junkies, tasting when you sip a Tim Hortons coffee? What am I missing? Because on the rare occasion I’ve been forced to have a cup — always by necessity and never by first choice — all I’ve tasted is bland sludge.
Is this even coffee? Really? Or are they filtering hot water through packing peanuts and letting it percolate in a carafe of soot? I once had a double-double on a road trip to Brockville and, my God, it was quadruple vile. I would have been better off pulling over, jumping out of my car and then, on hands and knees, lapping from the nearest muddy puddle like a dehydrated bobcat.
Again, this is just my opinion. My wife swears by the stuff. Even when we’re scrambling to get through airport customs, she has no problem delaying us by 25 minutes to get her Tims. It’s appalling. And there is no doubt my young daughters could be lured into a juvenile crime spree if the payoff was a box of Timbits.
But wherever your tongue stands on the brand — whether you can’t live without your Tim Hortons or you’d rather start your day with a mug of turpentine — at least this used to be the (coffee) grounds for domestic debate.
Tim Hortons was ours.
It could not wreak havoc beyond these borders.
I’m afraid the Buffalo Latte, which is only available in Buffalo, changes this.
Now under the corporate ownership of Restaurant Brands International, and a sister company to Burger King and Popeyes, Tim Hortons has gone global. But since it is still seen as a Canadian company, our reputation is on the line when U.S. expansion efforts include lattes that taste like tailgate poultry or honey-dipped doughnuts smothered in potato wedges, cheese curds and gravy.
That last abomination was unveiled this summer as part of a limited-time menu to celebrate Canada’s 150th anniversary, an odd bit of marketing since the “Poutine Donut” or “Maple Bacon Iced Capp” were only available south of the border.
The dichotomy is troubling.
You know why Tim Hortons is not selling its new Buffalo Latte in Toronto or Vancouver? Because if they even thought about doing something that crazy, the drive-thrus would be jammed with torch-bearing mobs. After just one sniff of this revolting concoction, even super-fans would turn into haters.
You shouldn’t drizzle your latte with Buffalo sauce any more than you should top your sushi with maraschino cherries.
So by bringing this level of gross to America, what Tim Hortons is ultimately doing is imperiling a relationship that is already on tenterhooks.
NAFTA is on the brink of collapse. Canada and America were once BFFs. Now we’re getting dangerously close to frenemy status and disgusting lattes can’t possibly help.
Just when it seemed like the “Blame Canada” days were behind us, Tim Hortons comes up with a bonkers flavour combo under the thinnest of pretexts.
“Tim Hortons and Buffalo sauce were both born in 1964, so why not take these two Buffalo staples and combine them?” the company asked in a press release.
Sure, why not. And, hey, 1964 was also the year Colonel Harland Sanders sold his fried chicken chain and the Rolling Stones released their debut album. Maybe KFC should market a new bucket of chicken that’s sprinkled with vinyl dust.
What’s next, Tim Hortons, in your pursuit of regionally inspired gustatory atrocities? Key Lime Chili? Boston Cream Shepherd’s Pie? Philly Cheese Steak Milkshakes? A Baked Alaska Tune Casserole?
Never mind the rim. Tim Hortons, you need to roll up the common sense at this turbulent point in Canada-U.S. relations. Things are going sideways very quickly between our countries.
The least you could do is stay bland.