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Vicky Mochama: The voice of Metro News.

Cats, the Internet might like you, but I’m not a big fan: Vicky Mochama

I am now caring for an animal that I’m wholly indifferent to. My solace is that Tommy, being a cat, is entirely apathetic about me, too.

"Can you believe this cat has the audacity to claim a chair when it doesn't pay a dime of rent? So rude," writes Vicky Mochama.

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"Can you believe this cat has the audacity to claim a chair when it doesn't pay a dime of rent? So rude," writes Vicky Mochama.

I have never liked cats and don’t plan to start liking them now. Yet, in opposition to my values, a cat has taken up residence in my house.

Weeks ago, my brother moved in, which spared me the agony of searching for roommates. It also guaranteed that I’d have one who, if he had complaints about my cleanliness, could only really take them up with our mother.

With my brother came Tommy.

Tommy was a birthday present given to my brother by his friends last summer. I partially recall my brother mentioning that he had a cat, in that he’d asked my mother months ago if the cat could live with him at her house. My mother hates all pets, so I remember laughing a lot, then immediately forgetting said cat.

Tommy (short for Tommy Gunz) is a black-and-white cat of some variety. In the shallow wisdom of three reckless young men, neither my brother nor his friends know Tommy’s gender, age or breed.

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A friend looked into it and helpfully suggested that Tommy is a girl. My brother’s take: “I had a suspicion about that, but that doesn’t seem like my business.” It has not been his business for seven months.

Thus, I am now caring for an animal that I’m wholly indifferent to. My solace is that Tommy, being a cat, is entirely apathetic about me, too.

You’d think with their Internet popularity and their prevalence, I would have a passing fondness for cats.

I have only developed the acting skills required to make other people believe that I care about their cats. Two friends regularly foster cats. Friends and colleagues share cat pictures and videos. In the service of not losing friends and appearing to be a good person, I make the appropriate noises in reference to their household felines.

For the greater good (i.e. my self-interest), I say, “Wow lol so cute.” On occasion, I actually laugh out loud. On those days, I deserve a best supporting actress Oscar. With Tommy now daily shedding fur throughout my house, this is the greatest test of my skills.

The friend who fosters cats said something about socializing one’s cat so it is good with people. To that end, I drink a glass of wine and allow Tommy to sit near me; this is how most humans socialize.

"Cat,” I say to it with Streep-esque conviction, “I enjoy your presence.”

You’d find it difficult to tell that, in fact, I do not enjoy its presence.

I am Daniel Day-Lewis in Lincoln. I have become Heath Ledger in The Dark Knight. I have gone fully method to pretend to like this cat.

I may never like Tommy, but she (probably) doesn’t have to know that.

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